… just a girl and her will to survive
I found a tumblr/website. It’s called Project Unbreakable. I actually wasn’t on a quest to search for rape-related anything here on the internet. Someone I knew is blogging on xojane, and THIS little headline caught my eye and I gave it a click.
So then, of course, I spent an hour or two looking at all the signs the women made. If I made a sign, it would say…
“Get in the shower”
And later in the day “It’s shower time!”
Do you have any idea how often people say “shower time”!?!??
Granted, tackling me and trying to force me into a shower for some bizarro / water-fused / rape-fantasy the psychorapist jordan had in mind, he was unable to fulfill. b/c I FOUGHT BACK.
And what I thought at each step of the way “Is it ok for a person who has taken an oath of non-violence to fight back?” (Note to self: Ask Jesus / Ghandi / MLK Jr.) Personal thoughts: resistance is not violence. (I didn’t hurt anybodies!)
What I thought on his THIRD attempt / second “real” attempt as he quickly gave us on time #2, was “Oh my god, Jordan looks JUST like Austin Powers!” (PS. if you want to know why we got to 3 times, these were (a) all in the same day and (b) the second time he was like “So you seriously don’t want to hook up with me?” and I was like “SERIOUSLY! Now you get it.”)…
Let’s add that to the poster:
“SO YOU SERIOUSLY DON’T WANT TO HOOK UP WITH ME?”
Oh, hey fuck you rapist. You were given a verbal answer. You are a fucking pussy. You were not confused.
So the cops suspect you drugged me. I was stone-cold-sober and a shot appears and who sent the shot? Was it you, b/c it was you and another person I was friends with and some other guy I wasn’t friends with but seemed friends with the group named JP. And you’re all “Hey, do the shot!”
WTF was in that shot? Was it absinthe? Was it Everclear? I’ve done 6-8 shots of tequila and not been that insta-gone. Again, the cops suspect you drugged me.
I think when I woke up from the drunken/drugged/PAST OUT UNCONSCIOUS state you found me in where “Pha-EW!, now it’s easy to strip myself naked and take off her shorts and stick my dick in this sleeping person. i fucking rule at rape” (How JORDAN THINKS!)
What did you say when I woke up? What goes on the poster?
“Can I come on your face?” or was it “Can I come in your mouth?” I have about 3 memories…
(1) Jordan looks like Austin Powers.
(2) I DON’T WANT TO BE RAPED!!!!
(3) Put me down. (You tried to pick me up you rapey psycho)
(4) Cover up my face. I forget what he said that made me think “Cover face”.
Oh, that’s four memories.
But… Project Unbreakable. I am unbreakable. I do feel myself getting stronger. Or, you know, different. I’m not afraid of the rapist. (My psychotherapist said “There are two types of rapists: The brazen ones, and” the pussies like Jordan. This makes me feel safer for both myself against retaliation and him attacking others, though I guess I should be worried about his gf since he has a bit of a rage problem, as QUITE a few mutual friends have noted. I mean “You aren’t interested in me, so I’ll rape you in your sleep”… he’s sick. But he’s verbally abused/screamed at so many others.)
But anyhoo, the poster I like the best is this one.
I’m like… Hey, I can relate to the PTSD. Anxiety. Depression. Drug Dependence (does that mean, like meds? bc hey, I can relate. I’m off the Lexapro and NEED a refill). And granted, that’s her journey. Mine is different. The thing I like is that she’s better. PTSD, then she’s eventually better.
The PTSD is the worst. WORST. It’s like sharing my brain with wild, violent lightning. I’ve often wished for that thing from “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” to become a real technique. I’ve wished for lobotomies, for electroshock to shock the lightning out. I write so fast/unclear b/c I’m not paying attention.
I want my mind back moreso than I want any kind of anything. I saw that film, Life of Pi. There’s a great monologue where the boy proclaims that sharing the boat with a tiger is what kept him going, kept him alert, gave him purpose, and gave him another life to protect besides his own, yet in tandem, it was his own. (need to find that quote) I feel that way about the PTSD. I like to think it’s there, messing with me, so I may move the world forward.
When I channel my inner MLK Jr, I feel quite composed. Check out my art for another project aimed for healing: The Clothesline Project. Fancy, eh?